Like a falling star,
waiting to be caught,
spinning threads across the sky,
But its dark outside.

What happens when the fires die?
Where is my safty net?
A web of lies and deciet,
Who can you trust?

Its burning inside,
smouldering in suffocation.
Gasping for air,
But there is none.

A candle wick is burning.
Flames licking the sky,
your fingers sizzle.
Burnt out.

Its dark outside.
Ebony skies cloud.
i've fallen.
Ive gone.

A x

I think i need help.

I thought i had turned a corner with life but apparently things arn't as rosey as they seem. This seems like a bit of a random place to write how i feel down but i need advice from people and i cant just speak it outloud so here we go.

There was a time awhile ago when i was permenently in a state of sadness as one would expect after the death of a parent. Earlier on this year i always seemed to be miserable but that disappeared, hense turning a corner? As we approach Christmas i'm falling under a trance that i cant escape from. I try so hard to get up in the morning to go to college but theres something stopping me and i dont know what it is. I have missed so many lessons of psychology and i have a module to take in january and i have missed about four chapters of work. My teacher probably thinks im not interested and i dont want to be there but i really do. I am not the kind of person to be happy sat at home doing nothing, i have to be active. I have a structured routine but i cant make myself go to college. I physically can't make myself get out of the door in the morning. Mentally i feel like a failure becasue i dont go somethimes. Im supposed to attend 5 lesson of college and at the moment the average lessons attended is 3 on a good week. Whats happening to me?.

Last night i tried to talk to my dad about it and he shouted at me for being lazy and wasting my life. He didnt listen to the fact that this isnt me. I think i need to go and see a counciling person or go to the doctor or something. I dont know whats wrong with me but im letting myself down. I know the only person im harming is me. So whay cant i just get on with it? im not struggling with any of the subjects im taking spacifically. I enjoy the majority of them. I feel as though there is something wrong with me.

I need some advice please.

The Eyes have it...

If you know me really well then you will have seen me recently with a patch over my left eye! I have an infected eyelid which has caused me to look like i have been punched in the face when in fact i have not!!!! Anyway its getting a little bit better now and i just hope that it stays away becasue it sounds like i have been making a fuss about nothing but it was actually very painful.

UPDATE WEIGHT LOSS:

I havn't lost any more weight yet but i have been eating chocolate since i have been ill but i have lost inches and my clothes fit rather well now ( i need to wear a belt lol)

IM SO EXCITED becasue Holly is coming down in like 20 days WOOHOOO so that will be great to see her again!!!

see you all very soon xxxxx Ambies

Its children in need .......

IM A CAT! its rather scarey somone nearly crashed their car in Tesco car park becasue they were watching me! lol some people are so sad!

Anyway i have raised nearly £70 but some people dont seem very forthcoming with their sponsor money GRRR

i will update when im not feeling in such a catty mood LOL ha ha ha Have a PUrrrfect day !

Weight loss update!

I HAVE LOST FIVE POUNDS IN TWO WEEKS!!!!!!!!!! (is very proud of herself)

Im not starving myself either which is good and it seems to make me feel a bit better about the way i look which is great news! People probably dont understand what im babbling on about but seriously if somone pays me a compliment i might actually be able to take it now instead of laughing loudly or making an excuse! lol You should try and pay me a compliment and see how i respond lol I DARE YOU!!!!

UNIVERSITY!!!!

I am getting very excited about going to university! I still havnt quite decided whether i should go this coming year or the year after but im certainly making progress. So far i am in the process of writing my personal statement( which is a bit of a disaster) but never mind! i have found my top seven universities which i am going to apply to ( i have to pick 6) they are ( in order of preference)

Edge Hill in Lancashire.
Sheffield hallam university.
Durham University.
Brighton University.
Hull University.
Gloucestershire University.
UCE Birmingham University.

Its all very exciting accept for the fact that when i eventually decide to go, there are certain people i will have to leave behind and that is a difficult concept to come to terms with. :( Im going to think of it like this though....
Sometimes in life, people have to make decisions to benefit themselves. I think that moving to a university will certainly benifit me because as you lot already know i dont get on to well with my father.
Also i will be able to come home at the weekends to see people which i definatly plan on doing alot.
It will only be for three years and i will get the summer holidays and things to spend with people to.
Another thing is that i shall probably move back to gloucestershire when i am qualified to find a job! ( i wont be gone forever)

I'll always have L as my magic number which is good because out of everybody in the entire world he is the person i will miss the most :( ( might miss dad a bit too! and Missy K ma BITCH!)

I have just had an english lesson which was really great. We are studying a dramatic play called 'OLEANNA' which is absolutly brilliant. I could go on analysing it for days it is absolutly super! The best thing is its going to be my coursework and i have a good understanding of it so therfore, thinking logically, i should be able to get a decent grade for it!

I shall have to go and eat lunch soon becasue i have a world development class in an hour and a bit and i really need the loo!

Anyway peeps, let me know what you think of my uni choices and please keep commenting because its always good to know what other people are thinking!

Love you all xxxxx

There just isn't enough time ....

This is so random but i seem to be having extreme difficulty writng a sentence down without my dyslexia messing it up! I cant even spell bannana for goodness sake or is it banana? i dunno. I have this rediculous problem with my nose at the moment in the sense that it wont stop running! GRRRRRRR...

currently im giving rudolf a run for his money :)

Anyway i need you help with something right this second.

I am going to be raising money for children in need on friday the 17th of november and i have been asked to dress up. LOL I need your help to decide what i should dress up as...... bearing in mind i have to be able to wear it to collage and work.
my ideas so far are...
A cat.
Naughty school girl ( suggested by my perverted friend)
A witch ( that was so last year)
A rabbit.
lol i think i need help any suggestions feel free to comment.

see ya soon Amber x

Its monday! wait a sec... its actually tuesday?!

Oh dear lol! I practically jumped on the scales on monday morning and i have lost 3lb's !!!! A WHOLE 3lb'S lol WOO im so proud of myself!! :)

erm im in my psychology l;esson pretending to type up my essay but im actually blogging does that make me a bad girl?!!! i think is possibly does.

oops just been caught BYE xxxx

Thank goodness its friday!!!

* sighs* I am so glad its friday because although i have to work i will get to spend time with people i choose to rather than people i have to! I dont know about you, but it makes a difference to me. I am just having a break from law at the moment and we are learning about the civil courts which is rather exciting?! I like law but its rather tricky to comprehend.

I had a bit of a funny day yesterday, i went to college for my english lesson but part way through i felt really ill. ( Girly issues) I had really nasty stomach ache and i felt really spinny. I went home, i was supposed to be starting work at 11 but i was struggling so i phoned up sick. I had never felt so grotty before but i literally couldnt keep my head up and i felt incredibly tired all of a sudden it was not very nice. I eventually got home and i had to walk from the corner shops to my house and i couldnt do it without stopping several times. I was a little bit scared coz i have never ever been like that before. I got home and slept solidly for three and a half hours. I phoned up work and then went in for the evening because i felt much better. I had a migrain as well coz when i woke up my brain feeling odd and a visual disturbance thingy. All in all not a great day!

I am going to buy some cue cards today so that i can start learning things for my psychology exam and also i might do the same for law coz then i can see how good, incredibly bad i am and how much work i need to do to get a good grade?!

DIET UPDATE! I am so proud of myself, i have been on this diet for a week now and i have had no off days and i am actually looking forward to standing on the scales on monday morning!!!! of course i will probably update you with my moments of happyness on tuesday sop watch this space!

LIFE IN GENERAL:
At the moment my life in general is alright. I'm not satisfied with it completly but i could be a hell of a lot worse! I'm living with my day so there is only two of us in the house when it is full and as a mentioned the other day it can be quiet hard living with just one other person. I stated before how much i dislike christmas now that mum isnt around but i am looking forward to Holly coming down to see us because she is another irriplacable person in my life and i am now beginning to realise just how much i value her.

Anyway enough of the deep philosophicals, im off to learn love you lots A xxx

Remember, remember ....

I was just commenting on my sisters blogg and i just feel like i should write some stuff down. Sometimes i like the fact that i have a long distance relationship with my sister because we seem to get on a lot better, but i often find that its lonley being just me. When i get home from collage there is noone to say ' hi' or yell at me for disrupting the peace and quiet. I miss Holly not being in her room playing loud heavy rock music with her head firmly placed infront of the computer.

When we were younger we never used to get any pocket money really but mum used to give us something when she could, even if it was £1 between the two of us. We used to get dropped off in town and spend hours wondering around the shops together. It was fun.

I was standing in tesco this morning and i walked down the christmas isle and i remember how excited i used to feel about christmas. I used to go on and on to mum about what i wanted for christmas and it used to be lovely to chat about it with her because she would get this sparkle in her eye because she loved it just as much as me. I have to say now that things have changed i really dont enjoy the thought of christmas at all because its just alot of extra time to feel lonley and think about what i no longer have. I know that is a pesemistic way to think of it but i really cant help it.

Isnt it funny how little things can trigger off memories that feel so raw and vivid. I was walking past Mcdonalds this morning and it made me think about mum and Holly and we would sometimes go in together and sit and chat. :( i miss it so much. ( i cant begin to put into words just how much becasue no matter what i say it wont emphasise this huge void)

Music speaks a thousand words but i can't find the right words to use. I feel a bit blank.

I need a hug please ?

Happy Wednesday!

Good morining to all of you who look like frozen statues because the weather has taken to being rather cold! I have just got to college and i am on day three of the big diet (WOOOOOO!) I seem to be doing rather well at the moment so fingers crossed i will start loosing weight again. I finally plucked up the courage to weigh myself and i have put on 4 pounds :( ( hyperventilates) 4 Pounds is alot and apparently makes the difference between which jeans i can wear and which i cant!

Anyway i have been getting up really really early and doing salsa before i eat breakfast to speed up my matabolism, then i have been eating two weetabix with hot water and a tiny drop of milk and a sliced bannana for breakie! For lunch i have taken to eating cup 'a' soup a genious invention! Thank the lord for Bachaelors cup 'a' soups! ( or weight watchers as the case maybe!) For my evening meal i have just been eating what dad cooks because he would have a fit if i suddenly turned into a fussy eater!

I am now beginning to realise just how much work i have to do and i need to start using my time more efficiently. I have already booked a computer to use after my english lesson you'll be pleased to know! I plan to write an essay about statutory interpretation and if anyone can help me with that tiny issue then feel free to comment anytime you like!

I must hurry off to english so have a good day and i'll see ya soon

love you loads like slimey toads xxxx 'A'

Fireworks :)

Hello to all of my lovely people who write on my blogg :) i have been very busy being on half term and so have not been able to keep up my excellent blogging skills LOL
Last monday i went to Ebly fireworks with my BF which was really good because i felt like i had'nt spent a great deal of time with him ( made up for it now though!) The fireworks were amazingly pretty and i had a very lovely time :) I went on one of the rides called ' the biscuit tin' and you basically stand up on a very large round cage which goes round and round and then it eventually tilts. FUN!

On tuesday i switched to orange and got the prettiest contract phone in the world ever invented. ITS SO BEAUTIFUL! Since then i have been accidently one ringing people becasue the controls are all funny and phoning my magic number alot which is my BF ( as if you didnt guess already)

I also went bowling on thursday and i won twice lol YAY !!!

I have to go now i will fill you in sometime this week on the other fabulous things i have been up to !
Love from me xxxxx

* Sighs*

I wish everything i listened too didnt go over my head lol! seriously, its all the bloody latin words they stick into law that make me think Oh Dear God NO!

I had my hair cut yesturday and there is always something about the day afterwards when it doesnt look as good as it did when you were sat in the hair dressers chair! so the moral of the story is : dont go and get your hair cut!

Hit me around the face with an insult why dont you? ps. Pass the match sticks :)

I am begining to think that the person who came up with the fund raising idea of a stay awake should be shot, but aas it was apparently me i better take that back! On saturday the 14th of October Pgb youth group decided to stay awake all night to raise money for the roof fund.

We met up at 6pm on saturday evening and played games till half 7 then we went to the barn dance. I think barn dances are great by the way, but some people just moaned all the way through it * yawns* could you protest any louder? GRRRR! Anyway we got back to the church about half 11 and thats when the tears and tantrums began lol. ( it was rather scarey) You think you know someone relitivly well and then you stay awake with them all night and the demons appear! Half the group decided to argue their way through the stay awake and hurl insults at anybody who opened their mouths, while the other half decided to play monopoly all the way through the night. Thankfully i was in the monopoly group!

There were some good points about the stay awake which i should just point out now....
* we had a really great quiz ( thankyou James)
* Almost everyone got to the stage of hysterical laughter after staying awake all night( that was very entertaining)
* Nearly everyone stayed awake all night! WOOO!!
* We all sat through the sunday service without falling asleep ( a very big achievement)
* and it was mostly fun.

One word of warning i would say to anyone who is planning on doing a stay awake.
HAVE A NO TALKING POLICY THE FOLLOWING MORNING BECAUSE THE INSULTS REALLY FLY THE NEXT DAY!!!

Anyway this not very well read/ written blogg would like to offer its congratulations to all those idiots who stayed awake and raised almost £200 for the church roof fund. Congratulations!

Changing the subject slightly im very excited because tomorrow i am going to the hair dressers to have my hair cut and restyled :) <<<<< Amber's happy face! i am hoping it will look a bit better than it is at the moment becasue it is currently a haystack lol

See you all very soon A x

I'm afraid its just one of those days......

Dont you just hate it when you wake up and you know from that very second its going to be one of those days? Well i'm having one of those days, i have a slight problem with my world development class where i have been black mailed by the head of sixth form to continue with the course. I have only been to one lesson due to not knowing the course was running and i was ill the week after. Last week i withdrew from the course because they couldn't afford to pay my fees so i have missed tunns. My head of sixth said that she would wave all my fees so it would'nt cost me a penny, convincing me to re join the class. The tutor is the most unhelpful person i have ever met in the world who doesnt give a damn so i feel like saying why should i? Anyway i really dont want to go and i have a lesson this afternoon and its all rather bleak.

I went to a youth forum meeting last night which was fairly good lol check out our new website www.4-sight.info i had a look on it earlier and the revamped sight is a little bit better than the old one but where have all the great photo's gone?! Yesterday was a good day. I didnt have to go to college so i spent hours in the bath listening to my music and then i read lots of psychology and then i was late getting to lukes house because of reading psychology. I don't know why but i suddenly became magnitised to the book and i couldnt stop reading it ( weirdly enough.) I think psychology and english are my favourite subjects but the tutor for psychology is a patronising prat called Judy who is not at all very nice.

College have blocked Bebo so i can no longer waste my time when i feel like it?! what was the harm in bebo?! Some people are so boring!

Amber's quiz:

1) If you could do one thing forever what would it be? Hug, becasue it always makes me feel better :) long hugs are the best! and they keep you warm.

2) What wouldn't you eat for a million pounds? stilton cheese, liver, and any kind of body part whether it be human or animal YUCK!

3) If you could only take one item on holiday to a desserted island what would it be? I would take a pair of magic wellys!

4) Whats the stupidest thing you've ever done? Falling in a bogg when i went on a walk with my bf, it was grotesque and i lost a pair of trainers becasue of it!

Copy and paste my question and answer them becasue i need a laugh lol

This is the longest blogg of my life probably so i will shut up now and see ya soon xxxxx

Who is she?

LOL this is a post all about MissyK the identity of whom i can't uncover? lol Just tell me who you are!!!!!

And if anyone else out there knows who she is please let me know becasue curiosity is driving me nuts lol

I cant believe it!

I have been back to collage for nearly a month and my learning has hardly improved at all. I have been trying hard but its like fighting a losing battle. My psychology teacher is a pain because she never listens when i speak, everyone else is just chatting away to her and shes like in a litttle world of her own. In the words of nikki ' WHO IS SHE?' whoever she is she's driving me mental !

I have also been ill for the past month which isnt great for my bank balance or my face for that matter. I have just got rid of this hidious absess which was in my top lip, it was absolutly revolting and made my lip swell up really huge. But a few pokey antibiotics later and its popped and now there is nothing left and i can kiss again lol :0) ( Soz got a bit over excited there..)

My self confidence is on the up too. I have come to the conclusion that no matter how terrible i think i look there are people who think i'm fine the way i am? and while 'fine' is not a fantastic word to describe it, no matter how much i hate how i look its not going to change by me feeling crap about it! so im starting a new thing where i try and( dare i say) like the way i look?!

Lol i'll keep you posted on this little problem lol

Come and post soon !!! Ambies xx

I want the next person to post : A definition of 'LOVE' please? i have been listening to people debating the meaning of this word which sometimes gets misused and i am intreagued about what other people have to say.

What a load of rubbish!

I'm at college and i am trying my hardest to stay calm and collected but nobody else seems to know what the hell they are doing?!!!! So i am just a little bit frustrated but i am going to do well anyway becasue i want too!

Now i have go that constative utterance out of my head i feel slightly more composed. I am studying speech in english and i love it so much. I didnt realise there was so much to analise but i think it is fab! Im quite quick on the up take and the new phonology i am learning is great. I think i excell better in English than in any of my other classes becasue i can ask question s and thats how i learn. I can spot lexical fields in conversation and i can also observe phatic uttereances which is basically general chit chat! Did you know that kinesics is a brilliant word?! i didnt untill today its basically a term which means body language lol. How is this for a sock rocking word? 'PEDAGOGIC ' this hysterical word is used in the type of conversation where one learns something either through interaction or transaction.

Write now i have babbled on about words for awhile i am going to disappear in a puff of smoke!

Write a list of your favourite words becasue i like words. IDIOSYNCRACY is a word to discribe quirks in somones personality.

A xx

LOL someone's getting good at posting!

I absolutly without a doubt love my law lessons they rock my socks off. On october the 13th i am going to go to a magistrates court to watch people being convicted/ being sturnley told off!!! ooooooh i so badly want to do criminal psychology now i am almost 100% convinced. My tutor for law is actually a solicitor which is cool so he refurrs to cases and things and he knows all the acts off by heart which is a little bit scarey.

I have also taken up world development which is another AS level which will boost my ucas points and hopefully help me get to uni. I have just enroled so at the end of this year i will hopfully end up with An A level in english language and literature and psychology and and AS level in law and also World development!!!! So thats rather exciting stuff.

Im in a little world of my own today, i have a bad ear infection the doctor couldn't look in my ear properly because it was really swollen so now i am on super duper antibiotics that make me drift off on a different planet. Just give me a slap and i'll be with you in a second!

Have a fab weekend and i will be back on tuesday!!!

Amber xx

Worries.

Do you know what? i think i must be the most worried person in the world ever invented it seems to be all that i do lately. I worry that i wont live very long and that i might loose people i care about alot. i am sure i am not the only one to worry but i seem to do it in excess HELP ME!!!

So much to write so little space!

Hey you horrible lot! what have you been up to? i have been up to my eyes in being busy lol. I have just gone back to college which is alright but i currently dont have a psychology teacher which could be a bit of a problem?! I have had a really great summer thanks to certain people, one in particular. :0)

Greenbelt has got to have been the highlight of my summer because it was absolutly fabulous! I was voulenteering with Luke in the box office and it was really cool. We met some really great people and took a credit card payment for over one thousand pounds from this foriegn dude who spent alot lol! I met lots of new people who were also very friendly and i saw DANIEL BEDINGFIELD!!!!!! ( who is very fit! dont tell my bf he will get cross coz i keep teasing him about it!) Camping in a field of mud was a leraning experience lol i had my own tent this year that was really good because i had my own personal space to sleep in and put all my junk in!

I have been at work alot as well over the summer which was not so exciting still i earn money so its all good. Anyway i have to go now so i apologise for all the mistakes with spellings and stuff see you soon BLOGG ME DAMN YOU!!! xxx

Long time no see/ read lol!

As you may have gathered by now i have been rushed off my feet doing one thing and another so i have had the inability to blogg.

I have just finished Jury service which turned out to be a good experience however it definatly wasnt likable lol. I spent three weeks sat in a chair listening to people who had aledgedly attacked/ raped/ abused either strangers or family and that sucks in my oppinion. Collectivly, me and my fellow Jurors have convitcted three different defendents of there crimes and its not a nice feeling. Thank goodness thats over!!

The week after jury service i was made redundant ( "refundent" lol inside joke) and my shop has now closed. I thought it was quite sad though others would disagree! Anyway so im jobless and in the not to distant future i shall be pennyless too :( Good news is that i am going to an interview at Waitrose on saturday so im keeping everything crossed lol.

I have joined minchinhampton dramatic society too i am currently playing the role of Mrs Bee and thanks to a certain individual who i am extremely greatful to i can hold my head up high and say I KNOW MY LINES!!!!!! My first performance is the week after next on friday and the last is on saturday so thats all very exciting but i am slightly on the nervous side too you know.....

anyway thats whats been going on and i now have to finsishe human biology before i loose the plot altogether so i will see you all soon .

Ambies x *oh yes and S-U-E does make me laugh hysterically!*

New Beginnings

How do you spell beginnings? begginings? oh Gosh im rubbish at spellings, you may have noticed already?!!! Anyway happy new year to any person reading this! I have decided that 2006 is going to be a very productive year for me and everything that i am involved in. I have just collected most of the dates for my exams and i finish completly by the end of may! That doesnt give me very long really?!!

* College is going to be my main priority becasue i want to suceed and no matter what is thrown at me i am going to get three AS levels and they will be of a good quality :0)

* work i am going to work my socks off as usual for QS but i am not going to let them take advantage of my summer holidays becasue i am just going to to chill out and do nothing lol! apart from hanging out with friends!

* P.G.B The youth group im involved in is going through alot of change and i am going to make sure that i help out wherever possible. I have loads of good ideas to persue and i hope to help build up a larger group of people.

So there are my plans for the following year and i hope i can stick to them.

My newyears resolutions are to stop biting my nails ( going well so far)

Loose more weight ( not going too well at all lol)

Anyway see you soon ( whoever you are)

Amber xx